Craving the world.

Tonight I laid on the ocean’s shore, in the dark… absolutely exhilarating.

The world is so amazingly big to someone so small like me. I don’t want to say I’m sheltered, but I haven’t gotten to experience the things I’ve wanted, desired, and dreamed I would.

I won’t say that marriage has hindered me so much, but with marriage comes inevitable obligations and responsibilities. Even if I were single, I would still face obstacles. I see so many of my guy photographer friends that go off to other countries, throughout the US and shoot amazing things… unobstructed. I wonder how they do it. I mean, I know how they do it. They go out and seize opportunities. They want something bad enough to GO FOR IT.

Why can’t I be like that? Wasn’t I meant for so much more than this? Wasn’t I? Wasn’t there a time when I believed that I was purposed to go to all the nations? What ever happened to that girl? That drive…Where did I lose it?

It saddens me to know where I could have gone versus where I’ve been… It’s almost a tragedy. I’m still young (I think… I don’t know anymore) and I still have time. Right? Right? Right…

I’ve been doing so much thinking lately, more than I have in such a long time. I don’t want to die not having accomplished anything. That thought is just… ah… so.fucking.sad. I’ve set it in my head to accomplish SOMETHING that means something to ME. Not an accomplishment to anyone else… but something that is important to my life, my mind, but more importantly, my soul.

I feel frustrated and scattered. My brain is all over the place…

I need time to think.

Im hoping it gets better from here.

Wow… it’s been an insane amount of time since I last wrote anything here. I’ve been left with a jaded feeling about sharing any of my thoughts that are less than pleasant online, but this is what makes me feel better, and this is what I’m comfortable doing. So here goes…

Dear Diary,

So things haven’t been going how I’d like for them to. When I first quit my job at the hospital, I was scared. I didn’t have a complete plan of action, but I trusted that everything would be ok financially, but I’ll be damned, this is an uncertain industry it seems. It’s not enough to be talented. It’s bad enough to be better than many but still losing out jobs to those that are less than stellar. I feel like the market is so over-saturated with people who just went and bought a camera one day and decided to call themselves a photographer. I worked my ass off for this. I REALLY WORKED MY ASS OFF. I have never worked or persevered so hard for something in my life… and this, this is where I am.

I don’t know what to do. Honestly. I feel completely defeated and utterly heartbroken. I joke about it, post nasty little temper-tantrum rants on facebook and roll my eye at everyone who says they love my work. I feel like no one gets what I’m going through, but I know there are many other photographers out there facing the exact same thing. Sadly, that does not make me feel better. It kinda makes things seem a little more bleak. Daily, I pick at my confidence level by measuring myself up against other (that appear to be) successful photographers. It’s so hard for me to understand that many people constantly give me praise, but never book a shoot. I mean, I get it, but it’s still hard.

I know this isn’t the end of the world. It’s small compared to so many other people’s problems, but that doesn’t make it less real or valid to MY world. I was always taught to work hard. That’s a message that didn’t sink into my thick skull until I was 24 or so, but when I finally got it, I REALLY got it… and work hard, I have. I’ve sat and thought though, maybe I need to recalibrate what I define as “hard work”. I see people working much harder and it seems to be paying off. That’s the thing though. You just really never know. All  you can do is try.

When the job fell through at the new hospital, I can’t even describe to you how shattered I felt inside. Yeah, it’s just a job… but to me, it was security, hope, a massive weight off my shoulders. What an emotional rollercoaster. When I was told I got the job, I was ELATED… and as soon as I was told that my offer had been rescinded, my first reaction was to place myself in oncoming traffic. It was a thoughtless and stupid mistake that cost me the job. Everyone keeps saying that there must have been a reason and that something better will come along. I really hope so. When my Dad was sick and money was tight, I used to joke that the bill collectors “can’t take your soul”. Nope, they sure cant, but they can make it feel like its been crushed and had the life squeezed out of it.

This growing up business is hard stuff. It’s been, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to personally deal with. Self-discipline and responsibility was never something that was instilled in me as a child. Learning how to nurture both has been an ongoing battle. Parents, the best advice I can give you as a 28 year old child is to make your kids finish what they start and be unrelenting in that endeavor. They will thank you when they are my age.

So, as I sit here taking my vitamins and drinking my water before I head out to the gym, I feel better knowing I got a little bit of weight off my heart. I applied to 12 different jobs yesterday and maybe I’ll apply to 12 more today. I sent out a Holiday Sale flier for my photo business, so maybe that will generate some leads. I’m not going to give up. I plan on being as tenacious as possible. There was a reason I had my Dad’s favorite saying “You can’t lose if you don’t quit” tattooed on my body. I knew there would be times I would need to see that to remind myself that even when I don’t have the confidence in myself to keep going, my Daddy did and would be here to push me all the way if he were here.

In utter dislike.

One little comment can easily set me off. I have this trigger in my mind that is always half cocked. All… it… takes… is… one… little… push…

Tomorrow is Fathers Day. I dread this day. Every year since 2005, I have either had to shut down or let it out. I guess this year, I’m letting it out. I watch tv. I see commercials. I get on facebook. I see comments. There’s this world that still exists even though mine stop turning 5 years ago. It’s not a feeling that I cant properly explain to anyone. All I can say is, I am left out. I am left out of that world and I’ve been thrown into another one. I’m in the “dead dad club” world. There are varying continents of this world. I’m currently living on the continent where no one can still quite understand that it happened. I cant get my head wrapped around the fact that someone can be here one minute and GONE the next. On a very basic level, it makes sense. I mean, we all get it. You live and then you die. Yeah… its normal. It’s part of life. I think something changes when you actually (for me, anyway) witness a loved one leaving their body. It seems like there’s no definitive moment that you can actually mark for when the souls leaves the body. For me, I’m still questioning in my head and in my heart “When did he leave?” and “How is this possible?”.  So back to my question… how can you be here one minute and gone the next?

Despite what I think or dont understand, it’s quite obvious he’s gone. I haven’t spoken to him, touched him, smelled him, or heard that wonderful voice in over 5 years. It is beyond heartbreaking to me. Time passes. Time heals all things they say… so, why isnt it healing me? Is it always going to hurt this much? The only way to stop it is to turn it off. Dealing with it is just too much for me to handle sometimes. There’s this fist sized aching in my chest that weighs a hundred pounds. Sometimes, I feel guilty if I forget that it’s there. I never want him to think that I dont miss him.

This is the worst day of the year. Every year. Even though no one is intentionally doing it to me, I feel like everyones just rubbing it in my face that they still have a dad. AND.IT.HURTS.

Because I have no one to talk to.

I should be working on editing images right now, but sometimes you just have to get something out… before you pop from the pressure.

It’s no secret to many people who know me that I’ve been having a lot of issues lately. My marriage has been strained, friendships have been ignored, and I am just in a very strange spot. I don’t know if this is a quarter-life crisis, or if I’m simply molting. I literally feel so out of control of my life, my mind, my heart and my EVERYTHING that I’m afraid I’m just simply losing it.

We all go through stuff. We are all human. So very human. We have all felt this way at some point. None of us are shameless, perfect or complete. We are all missing something. The problem is, I feel like I’m missing everything. It’s nothing anyone has done to me. It’s nothing anyone can fix. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at this age. I don’t even know if I ever imagined it, but I’m certain I’m not where I thought or want to be. There is this great big world out there. I’m here. I will always be here. I’m not sure there is any amount of change that could ever satisfy me. I am insatiable. I’ve recently had this brought to my attention. I never realized it before, but it makes perfect sense.

I don’t know who reads this. Honestly, I don’t care. I write to get it out. I’ve realized so much lately. I’ve come to see how selfish creating is. The process of “art”. There is nothing more self-serving. Strange thing is, it is also completely giving. You can always reach someone and comfort them because they can identify. We all want to someone to identify with us and we want to identify with someone. It’s so intriguing to see how we seek approval. I seek it constantly. It is my everlasting crutch. I’ve spent many hours analyzing the reasons why and what not. I think I have mine figured out. It doesn’t make it go away though. You can figure things out all you want, but it doesn’t fix anything.

I’ve been writing music at a manic pace. I have so many thoughts in my head and heart. I can’t get them out fast enough. I haven’t had a creative rush like this in a while. It’s so strange. I feel like myself so much more that I have in ages, but I’m so sad. Such an overwhelming, oppressing sadness. I guess I’m depressed. I don’t understand everything in life. Who does? I just know that I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know if I ever will be. The thought terrifies me more than I can explain. I feel like nothing I create is good enough compared to so and so or even to my own standards. I don’t know what I even want it to be. I want to work my ass off, but when it comes down to it, I can’t sustain the momentum. I am so distracted by every little faint breeze and flicker of light, that I can’t keep my head on straight for more than 2 seconds. How can someone be like this? I have no idea how successful people manage their time and accomplish the things they do. I simply don’t understand.

I’m slowly becoming a distant, indifferent person and it’s not what I want to be. Send help.

Fear.

There are so many things in this world that induce fear for me. So, so many.

• Putting myself out there.
• Taking a leap.
• Exposing myself.
• Being vulnerable.
• Being judged.
• Being rejected.
• Trying something that is out of my comfort zone
• Making a move without knowing the outcome
• Living my dreams
• Just… being myself

Yeah, essentially, all of these are the same thing. Essentially. To me, though, each one represents a very specific issue. Something in my life has caused each one of these items to be traumatic enough to stop me from going forward. Sometimes, I sit at my desk and stare at the wall. It’s always the first move that kills me.

I.can’t.seem.to.move.sometimes.

I have an incredibly irrational fear of heights and bridges. Walking across one (or just the thought) makes me feel dizzy and makes my stomach gather in knots. Something happens to my body. I become stiff. My legs wont move. At all. I have to internally scream at myself to make that leg move, then once I’m on that god awful bridge, I run. I run carefully though, as I’m terrified that my extra weight will somehow cause it to collapse beneath me. In my mind, that bridge is made of brittle timber, rusted metal, cracked concrete or worse, glass. Being under one is just as bad. Panic sets in the moment I realize that this thing is going to fall on top of me, crushing me beneath its weight. If I’m lucky, it will kill me instantly. Dramatic, huh? All those thoughts and feelings occur in under 2 seconds.

I feel like thats my approach to everything in life. Every task, relationship or challenge is a bridge. I don’t know how to tread on these “fragile” expanses.  What if it falls? What if I’m the one that causes it’s collapse? The odds are completely against me, but there’s still that small chance.

That small chance… my crux.

Once I’ve screamed at myself to move, once I’ve taken that step, once I’ve started running… I run full speed. Inevitably, I burn out early on. So scared of that bridge collapsing beneath me, I manage to deplete all adrenaline reserves in the first few moments. Halfway through, I’m panicking, and by the end, I’m damn near hysterical and never want to cross it again for any given reason. And so is my life.

I have no answers. I have conclusions. I have no plan on how to deal with this. Sometimes you just have to take it as it comes. Can you ever be prepared for anything in this life. I’m finding the more you prepare, the more you’re caught of guard.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll feel differently. Maybe better, maybe worse. I have no expectations. I dont want to think.

You can never look back…

She’s Got High Hopes!!!

Feel free to call me out if I fail to perform.

New Weekly Goals:
1. Read at least one book
2. Blog (personal) at least 2-3 times
3. Take a picture of something or someone that I love

Simple. Just have to rearrange priorities and make the time.

Ice O’Lation

January was particularly tough for me. Mentally. If the drab of winter wasnt enough to kill my spirit, the overwhelming isolation was. I honestly havent been holed up like this in quite a while. Well, not since that time I wrecked my car back in 2000 and was stuck at home with Mom and Dad for an unforgettable amount of months. I wrote a song about that one. DEPRESSING.

 So I've been a little internet junkie. Total confession. Twitter has become my watercooler, Facebook my lunchroom, and iChat my afterschool hangout. Kinda sad.

Dont get me wrong. I love LOVE LOVE LOVE love working from home. My God. It beats corporate living ANYDAY. But, the crux… I'm a social butterfly. My wings are wilting. I think one of them has been chewed and naw'd on. It's looking quite janky. Sometimes I worry about my mental health though. I sit at my desk for amounts of time that would be condemned by the surgeon general. I wish I had a few cool co-workers.

I don't know why Im writing any of this. I guess Im lonely. Ben's here all day too, but its not the same. I feel like I've neglected my friends. I haven't seen my best friend all month. I've talked to her maybe twice. Weird. My work never ends. Ever. Ever. Ever. High class problem? Maybe. I'm not hurting for money. That's always good. But I'm hurting for life. I have none. I dont feel creative. At all. Like brain dead. 

I downloaded some new music tonight and it was like bone marrow. I wanted to get as much as I could, to make me stronger. Make sense? Yeah, even as I type this, I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm honestly not quite sure what my point was or what I was going to say. Im sober. No worries.

I'm just not happy. I smile. I laugh. I'm funny and entertaining. But I'm not happy. I hate how my life is right now. Maybe this is just how I am. Is my happiness forced? I'd like to think not, but it sure does seem like a desperate escape to want to feel something other than this. I dont know what I want. I dont know what I need. I have no idea what I like any more, what turns me on, what gets me going. I dont even know where motivation comes from at this point. I'm just to the point of WHO CARES?

Like, why does any of this matter? Is any of this even real? What does it all even mean? I dont know. I just dont know. My life is not in the place that I want it to be. Not at all. I feel like Im constantly fighting something that I dont even know. I feel so very alone. I'm just never going to be happy. 

And, I know some people think I should keep my private thoughts off the internet, but honestly, I'm not ashamed of how I feel. We're all human. We all think these things. Im a grown woman. I paid for this domain and this blog. If you dont like it, pay for my therapy.

Art is for lovers.

Ok. I think it might be that I'm actually SICK of looking at my Twilight posters adorning my cubicle wall. I've been wanting a few prints for a while, so I figured today was the day. Totally cut into my tattoo money, but what the heck. I'm sure some people are sighing relief at that idea.

I've got to show you what lovelies I've procured today!!!!

We'll start off with the insanely talented Pope Saint Victor. He's out of Nashville. This dude has more ideas than he knows what to do with. Although I would buy ALL of his prints, he doesn't have most of my faves for sell. Gotta work on that. I opted for the one that I most related to. 

Want it? Buy it here!

Next up…

Janice Jong! Her illustrations are so endearing! I love line drawings and she has a perfect style. I saw the print I bought on ffffound.com and totally had to have it.

Then, I started looking through my wish list that I'd been hanging onto for a while… and decided to get the prints that I have been lusting after. I have a total photo crush on this gal! Awesome part is, she hails from Atlanta! So bonus points for her.

Erin Tyner has such a beautiful way of seeing things. I appreciate the simplicity in which she executes this unbelievable series . I have always been a stopmotion/claymation lover and these just SCREAM it to me. They're unbelievably romantic, charming and smart. My plan is to buy the entire series. I'm not a rich woman, so piece by piece it shall be.

 Today, I bought 2 of my faves…

 

GAHHHHHHHHH!!! Dont you love them?!?!

I thought I was done… but then I saw this lovely little bit…

Courtesy of Punky Jane! She makes some really gorgeous and simple pieces. I'm so in love with my birthday, that I couldnt resist. Mine will say NOV 1982 and have a cute little circle around the 7. I opted to get my nickname on the back as well. So, I'll finally have a Deshack necklace. YAY!!!

Etsy beats the holy snot out of the mall, thrift stores and even, dare I say it, TARGET. 

I cant wait to get my loot! Whoop Whoop!   

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades…

Daddy, 

Incredibly, it has been 5 whole years since I last saw you. It has been 1827 days since I last touched you, smelled you, heard you, kissed you…

5 years. I never imagined that I would go any length of time without seeing you. Today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so completely overwhelmed with how I feel right now. I didn't imagine it could hurt in such a new way. It's like it just happened all over again. I'm sitting here, writing my typical blog to you, in hopes that somehow you'll see it. I don't really how how it works up there, but this is my best attempt. 

I just want to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you and how grateful I am to have had you for the time I did. You know, sometimes, I feel so cheated.

I cant stop crying enough to see what I'm typing.

But I feel so cheated. Not with the Dad I had, but the Dad I didn't get to keep. LIterally everything I have done, everything I've accomplished has been to make you proud. You are the sole reason I have done anything with myself. Your encouragement, your support, and your love was so amazing. You made me feel like I was the most incredible person in the world. I can never thank you enough for being the fuel for my fire. No one has ever loved me like you loved me. I would give anything to say to your face, to speak to you, the gratitude I feel for everything you ever did for me. You were more than my Dad. You were honestly and truly my best friend. I lost so much  when you left. You were so selfless. Your love and compassion were so genuine and pure. I still feel so proud when I think of the times that you would say to me "You have such a kind heart". I never want to that to be proved otherwise. I want to make you so proud. I want to be just like you. I don't know how to measure my success. I've never done so much with my life. There's so much more to do. I know that I wouldn't be anywhere without you, though. 

Last night, as I was brushing my teeth, I started crying. I looked in the mirror and I saw your face. Your cheeks are my cheeks. Your chin is my chin. I'm still your little Georgia Peach. I used to be so proud when people would say "She looks just like her Daddy". I loved belonging to you. I loved being your child. I loved that people loved you…

Sometimes, I felt like it was just me and you. We were our own clan. We had our own bond. I miss Dairy Queen on Saturdays. Just me and you. You have no idea how important that time was to me. I could tell you anything. I was never scared of your reaction. You handled everything so calmly. When I went through all the crap at 14-15, you were so patient. You never stopped loving me. I'm so sorry I put you through so much. I look bad now and feel so regretful at all the things I put you and mom through. I was so incredibly selfish. I regret every minute I didn't spend with you when you were sick. I didn't know how to deal with it. I am so sorry for admitting defeat to you the day you came home with the results. I knew it was the beginning of the end. I knew that my Dad wasn't going to see me grow up. I was so scared. 

Daddy, sometimes I feel so horrible. I have a hard time remembering what you sounded like. Sometimes I forget what you looked like. I forget our stories. You are fading so fast in my head. The important thing is that I remember what you were. It's a terribly helpless feeling. But you're so in my heart, its incredible. Since you've been gone, I have slowly morphed into you. I have adopted so many of your characteristics and habits. I don't know if they were always in me, or if I've just gravitated toward them, wanting to be so much like you. I have patience's now. A little at least. I don't worry anymore. In fact, I've become so much like you on that one, that it's kinda scary. I'm a little too laid back now. I've completely adopted your philosophy of "Give it a week to ten days and it'll be alright". It seems to work pretty good. Sometimes, I joke that I inherited all of yours and moms worst qualities, but honestly, I'd rather have your worse qualities than none at all. I know I wasn't planned and that you two never expected to have a little girl, but I just want to thank you both so much for keeping me. You didn't have to, but you did. You fed me, you took care of me, you sacrificed so much to make sure I was in a good school, a good home, and you cared enough to make sure I knew God. I never went a day in my life without feeling loved. It's sad, but not everyone can say that. You prayed for me when I couldn't even lift my head. You stuck by me during my depression. You never gave up. I have no idea how you had so much patience. You were a true Christian. I cant say that about a lot of people. I cant say that even about me. I would love to have what you had. You would give the shirt off your back to anyone… literally. You never questioned someone's need. You just gave. God, I wanna be just like that. I try so hard. But you did it without a second thought, without a doubt, and gave in pure love. Always. It was almost childlike. It melts my heart to think back to all the countless times when this occurred. You would have given everything you had if you could. You didn't judge, you just loved. Some people took advantage of this and it always broke my heart. But you still continued to love them. You refused to think negatively about people. That's something short of amazing to me. You didn't have an easy life growing up and you lived through so much drama and hurt, but you NEVER STOPPED LOVING. You never let that bring you down. As I type this, I realize that God made you so special. Sometimes, I think He made you for me, so that I could be in this place in my life. Everything thats happened… a direct result of you. I know I miss you so much, but I kinda think it had to be this way. It took your passing for me to realize what I need to do. Your dying wish was that I finish something. I have finished SO MANY THINGS. I never would have done that if you had lived. I would have had the promise of a tomorrow with your pushing and encouraging. All I have now is the promise I made to you. I never want to let you down. I laugh when I think of the tattoo I got for you. It seems silly, but I would cover my entire body with your words and thoughts of you if I could. I want them close to me. I want them forever written on my heart. If I could tattoo my heart with your name, I probably would. I cannot describe the intense love I have for you. Its unlike any other love I feel. No one can ever take you away from me. Your blood is my blood. I am from you and thats something that can never be changed. That's my comfort so many, many times. All I have to do is touch my skin, and there you are. I feel you in my veins. You're right there Daddy. 

I've rambled on… but I just don't want you to forget how much I love you. I don't know what you do all day. I don't know if you'll ever see this. I don't know if you can hear my thoughts. I have no idea how it all works. I still have trouble understanding how you can be here one day and gone the next. I know what death is, but I don't understand how it's possible. People think I'm stupid for saying that, but until you've lost someone so close, you don't get it. I'll never forget the exact moment you left. It was surreal. I wanted so badly to grab your soul and push it back down inside of you. I'll never forget screaming at mom as I held your hand "MAKE HIM STOP!!! MOM! MAKE HIM STOP!" Daddy, I've never felt so helpless in my life. You were leaving me. FOREVER. I wasn't ready. I couldn't believe you were going. It was so literal. Then you were gone and that was it. And I haven't seen you since. 

I miss you Daddy. I love you with all my ♡. ALL OF IT.

 

 

You still make me feel like this!

 
 
   

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

I want to be in a place thats bigger than me.

Desperately. 

Thanks to Lee for throwing that out there.