January was particularly tough for me. Mentally. If the drab of winter wasnt enough to kill my spirit, the overwhelming isolation was. I honestly havent been holed up like this in quite a while. Well, not since that time I wrecked my car back in 2000 and was stuck at home with Mom and Dad for an unforgettable amount of months. I wrote a song about that one. DEPRESSING.
So I've been a little internet junkie. Total confession. Twitter has become my watercooler, Facebook my lunchroom, and iChat my afterschool hangout. Kinda sad. 
Dont get me wrong. I love LOVE LOVE LOVE love working from home. My God. It beats corporate living ANYDAY. But, the crux… I'm a social butterfly. My wings are wilting. I think one of them has been chewed and naw'd on. It's looking quite janky. Sometimes I worry about my mental health though. I sit at my desk for amounts of time that would be condemned by the surgeon general. I wish I had a few cool co-workers.
I don't know why Im writing any of this. I guess Im lonely. Ben's here all day too, but its not the same. I feel like I've neglected my friends. I haven't seen my best friend all month. I've talked to her maybe twice. Weird. My work never ends. Ever. Ever. Ever. High class problem? Maybe. I'm not hurting for money. That's always good. But I'm hurting for life. I have none. I dont feel creative. At all. Like brain dead.
I downloaded some new music tonight and it was like bone marrow. I wanted to get as much as I could, to make me stronger. Make sense? Yeah, even as I type this, I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm honestly not quite sure what my point was or what I was going to say. Im sober. No worries.
I'm just not happy. I smile. I laugh. I'm funny and entertaining. But I'm not happy. I hate how my life is right now. Maybe this is just how I am. Is my happiness forced? I'd like to think not, but it sure does seem like a desperate escape to want to feel something other than this. I dont know what I want. I dont know what I need. I have no idea what I like any more, what turns me on, what gets me going. I dont even know where motivation comes from at this point. I'm just to the point of WHO CARES?
Like, why does any of this matter? Is any of this even real? What does it all even mean? I dont know. I just dont know. My life is not in the place that I want it to be. Not at all. I feel like Im constantly fighting something that I dont even know. I feel so very alone. I'm just never going to be happy.
And, I know some people think I should keep my private thoughts off the internet, but honestly, I'm not ashamed of how I feel. We're all human. We all think these things. Im a grown woman. I paid for this domain and this blog. If you dont like it, pay for my therapy.
