There are so many things in this world that induce fear for me. So, so many.

  • Putting myself out there.
  • Taking a leap.
  • Exposing myself.
  • Being vulnerable.
  • Being judged.
  • Being rejected.
  • Trying something that is out of my comfort zone
  • Making a move without knowing the outcome
  • Living my dreams
  • Just… being myself

Yeah, essentially, all of these are the same thing. Essentially. To me, though, each one represents a very specific issue. Something in my life has caused each one of these items to be traumatic enough to stop me from going forward. Sometimes, I sit at my desk and stare at the wall. It’s always the first move that kills me.

I.can’t.seem.to.move.sometimes.

I have an incredibly irrational fear of heights and bridges. Walking across one (or just the thought) makes me feel dizzy and makes my stomach gather in knots. Something happens to my body. I become stiff. My legs wont move. At all. I have to internally scream at myself to make that leg move, then once I’m on that god awful bridge, I run. I run carefully though, as I’m terrified that my extra weight will somehow cause it to collapse beneath me. In my mind, that bridge is made of brittle timber, rusted metal, cracked concrete or worse, glass. Being under one is just as bad. Panic sets in the moment I realize that this thing is going to fall on top of me, crushing me beneath its weight. If I’m lucky, it will kill me instantly. Dramatic, huh? All those thoughts and feelings occur in under 2 seconds.

I feel like thats my approach to everything in life. Every task, relationship or challenge is a bridge. I don’t know how to tread on these “fragile” expanses.  What if it falls? What if I’m the one that causes it’s collapse? The odds are completely against me, but there’s still that small chance.

That small chance… my crux.

Once I’ve screamed at myself to move, once I’ve taken that step, once I’ve started running… I run full speed. Inevitably, I burn out early on. So scared of that bridge collapsing beneath me, I manage to deplete all adrenaline reserves in the first few moments. Halfway through, I’m panicking, and by the end, I’m damn near hysterical and never want to cross it again for any given reason. And so is my life.

I have no answers. I have conclusions. I have no plan on how to deal with this. Sometimes you just have to take it as it comes. Can you ever be prepared for anything in this life. I’m finding the more you prepare, the more you’re caught of guard.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll feel differently. Maybe better, maybe worse. I have no expectations. I dont want to think.

You can never look back…