Because I have no one to talk to.

I should be working on editing images right now, but sometimes you just have to get something out… before you pop from the pressure.

It’s no secret to many people who know me that I’ve been having a lot of issues lately. My marriage has been strained, friendships have been ignored, and I am just in a very strange spot. I don’t know if this is a quarter-life crisis, or if I’m simply molting. I literally feel so out of control of my life, my mind, my heart and my EVERYTHING that I’m afraid I’m just simply losing it.

We all go through stuff. We are all human. So very human. We have all felt this way at some point. None of us are shameless, perfect or complete. We are all missing something. The problem is, I feel like I’m missing everything. It’s nothing anyone has done to me. It’s nothing anyone can fix. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at this age. I don’t even know if I ever imagined it, but I’m certain I’m not where I thought or want to be. There is this great big world out there. I’m here. I will always be here. I’m not sure there is any amount of change that could ever satisfy me. I am insatiable. I’ve recently had this brought to my attention. I never realized it before, but it makes perfect sense.

I don’t know who reads this. Honestly, I don’t care. I write to get it out. I’ve realized so much lately. I’ve come to see how selfish creating is. The process of “art”. There is nothing more self-serving. Strange thing is, it is also completely giving. You can always reach someone and comfort them because they can identify. We all want to someone to identify with us and we want to identify with someone. It’s so intriguing to see how we seek approval. I seek it constantly. It is my everlasting crutch. I’ve spent many hours analyzing the reasons why and what not. I think I have mine figured out. It doesn’t make it go away though. You can figure things out all you want, but it doesn’t fix anything.

I’ve been writing music at a manic pace. I have so many thoughts in my head and heart. I can’t get them out fast enough. I haven’t had a creative rush like this in a while. It’s so strange. I feel like myself so much more that I have in ages, but I’m so sad. Such an overwhelming, oppressing sadness. I guess I’m depressed. I don’t understand everything in life. Who does? I just know that I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know if I ever will be. The thought terrifies me more than I can explain. I feel like nothing I create is good enough compared to so and so or even to my own standards. I don’t know what I even want it to be. I want to work my ass off, but when it comes down to it, I can’t sustain the momentum. I am so distracted by every little faint breeze and flicker of light, that I can’t keep my head on straight for more than 2 seconds. How can someone be like this? I have no idea how successful people manage their time and accomplish the things they do. I simply don’t understand.

I’m slowly becoming a distant, indifferent person and it’s not what I want to be. Send help.