One little comment can easily set me off. I have this trigger in my mind that is always half cocked. All… it… takes… is… one… little… push…

Tomorrow is Fathers Day. I dread this day. Every year since 2005, I have either had to shut down or let it out. I guess this year, I’m letting it out. I watch tv. I see commercials. I get on facebook. I see comments. There’s this world that still exists even though mine stop turning 5 years ago. It’s not a feeling that I cant properly explain to anyone. All I can say is, I am left out. I am left out of that world and I’ve been thrown into another one. I’m in the “dead dad club” world. There are varying continents of this world. I’m currently living on the continent where no one can still quite understand that it happened. I cant get my head wrapped around the fact that someone can be here one minute and GONE the next. On a very basic level, it makes sense. I mean, we all get it. You live and then you die. Yeah… its normal. It’s part of life. I think something changes when you actually (for me, anyway) witness a loved one leaving their body. It seems like there’s no definitive moment that you can actually mark for when the souls leaves the body. For me, I’m still questioning in my head and in my heart “When did he leave?” and “How is this possible?”.  So back to my question… how can you be here one minute and gone the next?

Despite what I think or dont understand, it’s quite obvious he’s gone. I haven’t spoken to him, touched him, smelled him, or heard that wonderful voice in over 5 years. It is beyond heartbreaking to me. Time passes. Time heals all things they say… so, why isnt it healing me? Is it always going to hurt this much? The only way to stop it is to turn it off. Dealing with it is just too much for me to handle sometimes. There’s this fist sized aching in my chest that weighs a hundred pounds. Sometimes, I feel guilty if I forget that it’s there. I never want him to think that I dont miss him.

This is the worst day of the year. Every year. Even though no one is intentionally doing it to me, I feel like everyones just rubbing it in my face that they still have a dad. AND.IT.HURTS.