Wow… it’s been an insane amount of time since I last wrote anything here. I’ve been left with a jaded feeling about sharing any of my thoughts that are less than pleasant online, but this is what makes me feel better, and this is what I’m comfortable doing. So here goes…
Dear Diary,
So things haven’t been going how I’d like for them to. When I first quit my job at the hospital, I was scared. I didn’t have a complete plan of action, but I trusted that everything would be ok financially, but I’ll be damned, this is an uncertain industry it seems. It’s not enough to be talented. It’s bad enough to be better than many but still losing out jobs to those that are less than stellar. I feel like the market is so over-saturated with people who just went and bought a camera one day and decided to call themselves a photographer. I worked my ass off for this. I REALLY WORKED MY ASS OFF. I have never worked or persevered so hard for something in my life… and this, this is where I am.
I don’t know what to do. Honestly. I feel completely defeated and utterly heartbroken. I joke about it, post nasty little temper-tantrum rants on facebook and roll my eye at everyone who says they love my work. I feel like no one gets what I’m going through, but I know there are many other photographers out there facing the exact same thing. Sadly, that does not make me feel better. It kinda makes things seem a little more bleak. Daily, I pick at my confidence level by measuring myself up against other (that appear to be) successful photographers. It’s so hard for me to understand that many people constantly give me praise, but never book a shoot. I mean, I get it, but it’s still hard.
I know this isn’t the end of the world. It’s small compared to so many other people’s problems, but that doesn’t make it less real or valid to MY world. I was always taught to work hard. That’s a message that didn’t sink into my thick skull until I was 24 or so, but when I finally got it, I REALLY got it… and work hard, I have. I’ve sat and thought though, maybe I need to recalibrate what I define as “hard work”. I see people working much harder and it seems to be paying off. That’s the thing though. You just really never know. All you can do is try.
When the job fell through at the new hospital, I can’t even describe to you how shattered I felt inside. Yeah, it’s just a job… but to me, it was security, hope, a massive weight off my shoulders. What an emotional rollercoaster. When I was told I got the job, I was ELATED… and as soon as I was told that my offer had been rescinded, my first reaction was to place myself in oncoming traffic. It was a thoughtless and stupid mistake that cost me the job. Everyone keeps saying that there must have been a reason and that something better will come along. I really hope so. When my Dad was sick and money was tight, I used to joke that the bill collectors “can’t take your soul”. Nope, they sure cant, but they can make it feel like its been crushed and had the life squeezed out of it.
This growing up business is hard stuff. It’s been, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to personally deal with. Self-discipline and responsibility was never something that was instilled in me as a child. Learning how to nurture both has been an ongoing battle. Parents, the best advice I can give you as a 28 year old child is to make your kids finish what they start and be unrelenting in that endeavor. They will thank you when they are my age.
So, as I sit here taking my vitamins and drinking my water before I head out to the gym, I feel better knowing I got a little bit of weight off my heart. I applied to 12 different jobs yesterday and maybe I’ll apply to 12 more today. I sent out a Holiday Sale flier for my photo business, so maybe that will generate some leads. I’m not going to give up. I plan on being as tenacious as possible. There was a reason I had my Dad’s favorite saying “You can’t lose if you don’t quit” tattooed on my body. I knew there would be times I would need to see that to remind myself that even when I don’t have the confidence in myself to keep going, my Daddy did and would be here to push me all the way if he were here.
