Tonight I laid on the ocean’s shore, in the dark… absolutely exhilarating.
The world is so amazingly big to someone so small like me. I don’t want to say I’m sheltered, but I haven’t gotten to experience the things I’ve wanted, desired, and dreamed I would.
I won’t say that marriage has hindered me so much, but with marriage comes inevitable obligations and responsibilities. Even if I were single, I would still face obstacles. I see so many of my guy photographer friends that go off to other countries, throughout the US and shoot amazing things… unobstructed. I wonder how they do it. I mean, I know how they do it. They go out and seize opportunities. They want something bad enough to GO FOR IT.
Why can’t I be like that? Wasn’t I meant for so much more than this? Wasn’t I? Wasn’t there a time when I believed that I was purposed to go to all the nations? What ever happened to that girl? That drive…Where did I lose it?
It saddens me to know where I could have gone versus where I’ve been… It’s almost a tragedy. I’m still young (I think… I don’t know anymore) and I still have time. Right? Right? Right…
I’ve been doing so much thinking lately, more than I have in such a long time. I don’t want to die not having accomplished anything. That thought is just… ah… so.fucking.sad. I’ve set it in my head to accomplish SOMETHING that means something to ME. Not an accomplishment to anyone else… but something that is important to my life, my mind, but more importantly, my soul.
I feel frustrated and scattered. My brain is all over the place…
I need time to think.
